Once More, With Feeling

It is difficult finding something to fight for. I wish I had a passion. I wish I knew what I would devote my life to or even what category it would fall under. Would I sacrifice everything for my children, for my husband, or for my work? Some people say you shouldn't have to choose, but I think it's harder to figure out your passion if you don't choose. If you don't choose which one to give up everything for, then are you really passionate about it? Is it really your life calling if it can be so easily exchanged for something else?

I'm so distracted by everyone else's passions that it's difficult to find my own. There are advocates everywhere (my friends included) who persuade you to take up their cause, and for awhile, I am inspired. I am inspired until I realize that I am motivated not by their cause but by their passion. Their passion moves me, and I feel that maybe if I had a piece of what they fought for, I would feel that passion too. But it doesn't work that way. What works for one person does not necessarily work for someone else.

So I'm still stuck looking for a cause to fight for, and consequently, no passion. I just don't seem to care enough about one thing to really take action. I care about everything a little bit, just enough to get by (get by what, I'm not sure). But I don't care enough to read through all the data, scour the arguments, and critically think about it myself. I don't care enough about those issues.

That is also what makes this hard. It's a lot easier for me to say what I don't care about than what I do care about.


Deep breath. Okay. Let's really try this. A list of things that do rile me up somewhat:

Anti-abortionism. I am pro-choice. I just don't understand where people get off saying that your body and your baby is subject to my beliefs, and therefore, I will impose them on you. Maybe pro-choice isn't the best word, but taken literally, I support the idea of having a choice. I support people who think abortion is wrong; I support people who think it is fine. And officially, I support the idea that both these populations can coexist without forcing their ideals upon one another.

Gender/Sexual discrimination. This is very vague, but in my mind, I'm just thinking of people who are anti-homosexuality. How can you be anti an -ality?

Evolution. Ugh! Okay, maybe this is what I'm really passionate about. I hate it when people say "I believe in evolution." It's weird. You don't say, "I believe in math," do you? Evolution is not a belief; it is a fact. There is evidence. The other problem is that putting it in the same sentence with "believe" makes people think it's comparable with religion. Wrong, again. Evolution and religion have nothing to do with one another.  It's like...social studies and history. They're different, obviously. You can't read a history textbook to study for a ss exam. But it's easy to make the mistake of substituting one for the other when you ask something like, Why does war happen? From a history point of view, you can say, This man made that rule but this one crossed that river, and that's how it started. From the social science perspective, you could say the war was driven by ambition and greed. Neither answer is wrong. You're just answering the question in different ways, maybe even answering different questions. 

Hm...that's a rather short list. Maybe I do know what I would be passionate about, but I'm not sure how to go about it. Although, when I think about it too much, part of me starts thinking that I don't really care that much. I feel this all too often--dampening emotions and their importance. It's something I found to be too reflexive for comfort, but because of it, I think that I would enjoy emergency medicine. I think I need something as spontaneous and shocking as EM to push some feeling into me. Then again, maybe that too will backfire. 

I shadowed a radiation oncologist recently, and my strongest thought was, He seems a little immune to humanity.  Does that make sense? How does that make sense? How can you be immune to humanity? But that's what it seemed like. I watched a woman breakdown because she realized she had cancer, and I watched her sister fight for her (fight whom? I don't know). Throughout it all, the doctor didn't react. He wasn't rude nor was he empathizing; if anything, he brought a little calm to the situation, but watching from my perspective, he didn't react. I guess if you're working with dying patients everyday, you have to be a little stoic. Maybe it's mental self-preservation.

I hope I never have to close myself off to save my sanity. When I become a doctor, I hope I continue to feel every tearing emotion my patients feel. I never want to become immune to humanity.

The Plastic (and Silicone) Surgeon

Women undergo plastic surgery to obtain mannequin-like bodies. Meanwhile, inventors are finding new ways to turn mannequins into more real-life women.

I read a fascinating article the other day about a man named Slade Fiero and his RealDolls. Have you heard of these? They are sex dolls that were originally meant to be mobile mannequins, but their real life feel has made them more popular as sex dolls.  Sculpted with silicone and hand-painted, they go for $6,500 for a standard up to $50,000 for a customized.  Fiero is a RealDoll doctor; he fixes dolls when they get "sick," and sickness  can range from leprosy (blotchiness caused by dents in the skin) to breast tumors (silicone implants that improperly hardened).  It's a unique sort of medicine because customers trust him with their dolls the way a person would trust a surgeon with his beloved.  And much like doctors, he sees bits of the human psyche and its going-ons in relationships.  One customer sent him a doll with its leg torn off and knife-like punctures in her calves.  Another had said his was in good condition but the jaw was dislocated, nearly hanging around her neck.  "Amazing," he says, "that there are human beings out there like that."

Fiero also struck something with me when he spoke about his appreciation of the human form and its aesthetic beauty. I definitely understand that. My bedroom wall is covered with artistic nudes, from Dali's Musical Tempest to Picasso's Blue Nude.  The beauty of the human form is something that society naturally appreciates, and we continually find more ways to express our appreciation, whether it be through Greek statues or porn or the desire to blur the line between woman and doll.

I'd also be lying if its "playing God" vibe didn't spark some interest in me. There is a lot to be said for a man who can literally mold a person that can be a your closest companion.

What Matters to Me, 1 of ?

I'm proud of Obama. It feels funny saying that because I'm really in no position to be proud or un-proud, but no other word fits when I think of all that he has done and plans to do.  For all of us, I think he inspires pride because he represents an underdog--whatever personal underdog we have. Most obviously, he has become the empowered African-American who breaks barriers and changes stereotypes. On other levels, however, he also represents a break from [literally] old thought to [relatively] new thinkers. For me, he has forwarded the movement of intellectuals, of educated and eloquent people who may not be your best bar buddy but are certainly people qualified to run a nation.

The keyword is educated. Educated not only applies to Obama but also to his ideology. He encourages people to educate themselves on what matters to them, and he incentivizes this by showing how their values can have real-world impact.  Change.org, for example, is not just a promise of governmental transparency. It's the enabling of people, compelling them to care to know. Even if they don't yet know what they care about, Change.org shows them everything so that when something strikes them, they'll know.

I particularly like this website because it's not necessarily pro-Obama.  Its healthcare blog, authored by Tim Foley, denounces Obama's single payer system over The Healthy Americans Act, and his argument makes sense.  It is a direct, budget-neutral approach with a timeline and bipartisan support, and it has the customization ability to fit every particular state's health needs. All of this makes sense, which makes me wonder why we haven't thought of it before. The problem is its low profile. Written by Senators Wyden and Bennett, its list of sponsors are largely junior senators with little public pull, miniscule compared to big players like Obama and Ted Kennedy.  While Foley is quiet adept at showing the pros and cons (and even the pro of the con) of this plan, I wish he could be more optimistic. Is there a way to get these junior

 senators a little more face time? Maybe the plan is there and just subtle: educate and inform [you], and maybe a public outcry will pressure the balding know-it-alls into listening.  I also wonder how this piece of media is failing against Change.org's voting. I presume they cater to the same audience, and yet, 3876 people are still voting for the Single Payer system. Maybe the magic word is "FREE"?